I faked an abortion last night.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
