Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
