You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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