I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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