I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
