I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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