i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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