onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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