what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
