The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
