im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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