i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
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I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
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Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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