Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
