morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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