I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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