I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
