I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
