I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
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I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
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I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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