matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
