plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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