I wish they made helmets for livers.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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