fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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