cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
