bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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