mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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