my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
