I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
