This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize