the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i need an iv and a liver transplant
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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