I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
