did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Acid is not a monday night drug
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
