Sober January is a disaster.
ttyl tear gas
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
