A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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