Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
