the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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