the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
