I wish my penis had an off switch
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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