U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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