there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
