i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
