So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
