Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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