I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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