why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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