So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
