so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
