I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
