My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
