no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
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Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
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George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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