That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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