So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
