I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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