my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
