I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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