True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wish life had little blips of pornography
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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