you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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