I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
