My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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