my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
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I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
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Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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