Apparently you make a good broom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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